Writing to DNA Matches: Messages That Get Replies
Most DNA match messages go unanswered. How to write a short, friendly message that gets a reply, what to share and not share, and what to do when no one answers.
Your DNA match may hold the missing piece of your family puzzle: a photo, a family Bible, a tree that goes back further than yours. But many testers never answer messages. Some tested only for ethnicity, some rarely log in, and some don't know how they're related either. A good message improves your odds a lot.
Before you write
- Look at what they've shared: their tree, shared matches, username, and any profile notes.
- Work out what you can: which side of your family they're probably on, based on shared matches. See Sorting Your DNA Matches.
- Know what you're asking: one clear question or request is better than a vague "how are we related?"
What a good message looks like
Keep it short, friendly and specific. Something like:
Hi! We're a DNA match (about 180 cM), and I think we're related through my grandmother's family, the Hensleys of Wise County, Virginia. Do you have Hensleys in your family, or anyone from that area? I'm happy to share what I have on the family. Thanks so much, Sarah
Why it works:
- It's short enough to read on a phone.
- It gives them something specific to recognize: a surname and a place.
- It offers something in return.
- It doesn't ask for anything personal or demand a reply.
Things to avoid
- Long messages with your whole family history. Save it for when they reply.
- Pressure, such as asking them to test other relatives, upload their DNA elsewhere, or give you access to their account in a first message.
- Sensitive news in a first message. If you suspect a surprise, such as an unknown half sibling or a different parent, go slowly. See Unexpected DNA Results.
- Assumptions about how you're related before you know.
Make yourself easy to contact
- Link your DNA to a family tree, even a small one with your direct ancestors and their places. Matches who look at your tree may reach out first.
- Add a short profile note listing your key surnames and places.
- Use a recognizable name, or at least a username that suggests a real person.
When they reply
- Answer promptly and warmly. Thank them.
- Share first. Offer your tree or a summary of your line. Generosity encourages generosity.
- Move at their pace. Some matches love genealogy; others just want a quick answer.
- Respect privacy. Don't share their information, DNA results or family details with others without permission.
- Exchange email addresses if you'll be corresponding a lot, since many people check email more often than the testing site.
When no one answers
Don't take it personally; many testers simply never see their messages. Some options:
- Wait a few weeks, then send one short, polite follow-up.
- Work from their tree and shared matches anyway. You can often figure out the connection without their help.
- Look for them elsewhere, such as on other genealogy sites with the same username or tree, but respect their choice not to reply and don't contact them through personal channels without good reason.
- Message their shared matches, who may be more active.
A note on close matches
Very close matches, such as a half sibling, parent, aunt, uncle or first cousin you didn't know about, call for extra care. Take time to understand the relationship, consider how it might affect the other person, and think about support for yourself. A gentle first message that doesn't reveal everything at once is often best.